Cleaning my lenses

A little rant...unedited...pretty raw...perhaps not logical....

I sometimes forget that I’m different, that I look at the world through a different lense than many people. As a Christian, I have a different understanding of the ‘meaning of life’ and what I should be striving for. Around here, in the realm of competitive academics, I find my lenses get a little fogged up. I somehow take on an ambitious persona, someone seeking personal goals of academic glory, success…prideful things. I have thoughts like ‘well, God didn’t give me this brain to sit around and pop out babies, I need to use it to my full ability.’ And yes, he did give me this mind to use it to the best of my ability but he gave it to me to use to His glory. And as such, I need to put aside my selfish little goals of wanting a career that fulfills my ideals (not say that God doesn’t want me to do what me to be happy…its just easy to be selfish). At some point I need to stop and think about what will be the best use of my brain for God. I get so entangled in my identity as an academic that I forget that it can so easily become an idol. It only takes a little twist of a good thing to make it very, very bad, to take an asset and make it a liability. But how do I use my brain to the best of my ability while keeping my focus on what really matters? How do I step back and realize that my ambition needs to be curbed? What is really important? I’m spending some time reflecting on this. What true happiness is made of. Its cliché to say ‘its not money or power or fame’…then why do we keep seeking it if we know its not what is going to make us happy. When I think of myself in 20 years, I know that at least two of those things tend to be part of my imagined scenario. And yes, money does provide a level of comfort and power does provide a level of influence but my happiness cannot depend on these things. There needs to be more. And the nice thing is that there is. Now in my imagined scenario, there’s a husband and a dog and a lovely kitchen with lots of counter space and a dishwasher…seriously though, I don’t want a job with overtime or scary deadlines. I don’t want to be constantly climbing the ladder or competing. I want to be content, not stagnant or stuck in a rut, but happy. I want to be curled up in the arms of a man I love as we read by the fire with a big fluffy dog. I want God to look at me and be proud. Around here I sometimes forget what I want. I start to look for my identity in my marks. I work on my papers and neglect my friendships. I start my days with essays and not prayer. I need to stop that. I need to get all that garbage off my lense and look at life fresh, understanding that I’m counter cultural around here. I see things differently.