A tree and some snow

Here is a picture i took at home on Sunday morning after a rather large snow fall. i have to say that I truely love some good winter weather. its been cold here in kingston all week and i've loved it. i don't like a full winter of it but i have to say that if winter had gone by without my cheeks stinging with cold and the rush of a chilling wind, i'd have been really sorry. Winters make me feel tough. If i can walk to class in -40 windchill, i can do anything. Summer is for wimps, i mean honestly, those kids in Hawaii ...nothing. Anyway, i'm looking forward to spring now after my few good days of 'wow i live far from campus' even though i only live 3 blocks away.

Forgiving

I realized over the break that I’m guilty of holding grudges. I was invited by some old friends to drop by someone’s house where some people were hanging out. So I brought keith with me and we went over to say hello. We didn’t stay long and it was kind of awkward as these sorts of things generally are (when you’ve gone away and others have stayed). When we left Keith and I were talking about it and he made reference to a guy who was there as ‘a good guy’…I said “no he’s not, Derrick is a jerk!”… keith looked at me funny. While we’d been there he had been nothing but kind…gotten us drinks, made conversation…then I realized that I couldn’t actually think of the last time he actually was a jerk to me.
It all started I think when I was in grade eight and he was in grade nine. I’d just gotten over a huge crush on this guy named Shaun and poor Derrick was my next victim. He was the older brother of my good friend but only a year older than me. Being young and silly I probably freaked him out and for the rest of my highschool life he was either ignoring me or being rude. And so, three years outside of highschool I found my self still not liking him b/c of this treatment. Three years changes a lot. So I’m realizing that there are a few people who I ‘don’t like’ b/c of what they did or how they treated me in highschool. And frankly I’ve come to the conclusion that no one deserves to be judged for life based on how they were on 18 or 19. So, all I can do is give people a second chance and hope that for all the bad impressions and mistreatments that I was involved in, I’ll be given a second chance too.

Valentines day

Here http://www.flickr.com/photos/elvensilver/88913569/ is a link to a picture of my big sister and her lovely boyfriend. He is currently in Lithuania for the year and she's in Bangladesh until July. This picture is one that i stole from his blog and was taken at Christmas when she dropped in and visited him on her way around the world. I think they are possibly the most beautiful couple ever. Just thought i'd share on Valentines day.

The middle

Did anyone else have that day when they realized that it was too late to be a child prodigy? I think mine came around the time of Tara Lapinski. I was in grade 8 I think and I realized that unless I shaped up soon, I’d never be that 16 year old in the Olympics. And well, I didn’t shape up and I didn’t make it to the Olympics but I’m not to upset by that. I’m more upset with the children who write books or go and save starving children in Africa before they’re even old enough to drive a car. Frankly, I don’t think they should be getting ANY of the credit for their actions as clearly, a 10 year old was not able to get his work published entire on his own and his very pushy mother probably had a lot to do with it. I’m getting to the point now when I’m realizing that if I’m going to peak at all, its going to be about the same time everyone else does…somewhere between 35 and 55. this is the time that I think I will be most likely to be featured on CBC or the globe and mail. Not that this is my desire, because I really don’t want to be famous. I just want to be good at what I do. I’m really not entirely sure what that is yet, but if I am going to be good at it, chances are that between 35 and 55 is when I’ll be at the top of my game. Its too late to go the Olympics, its too late to be the five year old on opera who can play the piano as well as Beethoven its even too late to be a brilliant student whose marks make people’s jaws drop. If I’d wanted that I’d have had to work way harder way earlier on. Frankly, I’m stuck here in mediocrity. I’m not horribly upset by it, they say its lonely at the top. There are lots of wallowing around down here enjoying the view. I’m glad I don’t have to get up at 5 in the AM to train, or that my mother hadn’t made me practice the piano for more than half an hour as a child. I’m glad that I have something called free time (not that much of it these days, but I do have some). I’m pleased to not be on top. That’s an awful lot of pressure… At this age anyway. But just you wait, somewhere between 35 and 55 it’ll be my time to shine…just you wait.

Moving

Well, we’re moving next year. Or rather, this year, in may. Just a few blocks away but the move is still painful and largely unnecessary. We had thought that we would be staying in the same house next year but things changed and we ended up fairly late in the game looking for a new housemate and when that didn’t happen, a new house. So we’re moving in near A&P and since this is the internet…I won’t give the address. It’s a cute little four person house and I won’t be living in the basement any more. While the basement may seem kind of depressing to some, I’ve enjoyed my lovely large room and its cave like qualities. I think being above ground next year may be quite difficult. I mean, when I look out the window, I won’t see feet, I’ll see the tops of heads. Very strange.
Its very difficult living in a space when you know that its going to be someone else’s very soon. I’d rather just pack up and move now. But, we have 2.5 more months here. I guess I’d always kind of thought that when we moved out of this house we’d be dividing up our stuff and going our separate ways rather than driving it a few blocks and setting it up again. And since its only for a year, the temptation is to treat it like a long term hotel room feeling like I’m transient and not permanent. I think I’m a bit of security freak. I like to know that things are there for me. Ie. My house at home. I think the biggest trauma of my life will be when my parents sell that house. I’ve never moved houses and I think having my childhood home gone will be a big shock. But I think they’re waiting until I’m set up somewhere after university before they do that to me. I guess I have to stop thinking it of something they would ‘do to me’ and more as them moving on past the child rearing years.
So we’re moving. A new phase of life I suppose. And maybe a fresh start for our last year will be a good thing. A new setting, a larger kitchen, an upstairs bedroom…that’s exciting right?

Marriage

I’m not married and I don’t plan on being so…for a while yet but I’ve thought a bit about of late and this article ( http://www.queensjournal.ca/vol133/issue31/features/section.php ) in the Queens journal brought it into a lot of my discussions today. Its interesting because Iits looking like i'm probably going to be married ‘young’ and I’m really quite amazed at the strong reactions people have against marriage.
I think there are a couple of reasons for this. First, I think that our society grows up a lot slower. Post secondary education is not seen as a time of growing up but instead as a continuance of youth. We don’t see ourselves as grown ups until we have a stable job and a few wrinkles. Secondly, I’m going to say that the raising divorce rate and the amount of my friends raised in broken homes has a lot to do with it. I failed marriages are seen as the model, then why would anyone want to get into one? Clearly from this point of view these decisions are to be made when one is ‘older and wiser’. Thirdly, I would say that the movement away from Christian morality (and other religious morality I think) has left no real reason to get married. I mean, if you can just move in with someone, have lots of sex, play house etc, why wouldn’t you? I mean seriously, I would. That is, if I weren’t a Christian. My faith has me waiting for marriage before I have sex and sure, that seems pretty crazy to a lot of people I know but its something I’m proud of. I’m not saying that sex is the reason to get married, I’m saying that its supposed to be one of the benefits.
Other benefits? Companionship, support, love, a shared bank account (boo yah), a sense of permanence, someone to start a life with, together, knowing that you’re both in it for the long haul…someone to grow old with. I know that marriage isn’t going to be easy, but I believe that once you make that commitment you have to make it work. I think in a generation raised on sesame street, where our attention spans are all of 30 seconds, the idea or ‘the rest of our lives’ seems really scary. Sure, you’re not going to be the same person you are today when you’re 50 and sure, your boyfriend may not be either. But in a marriage, when you both know that you have to work at it, when you both do, you might just grow together. You might just become closer, and of ‘one mind’. My parents are very much that way. I think they’ve probably had tough times like all other marriages when things weren’t’ perfect but they’ve worked at it. I have moments when I’m really afraid of getting married young. Its so…counter cultural and my friends will think I’m weird. But then I think about what I want out of life and I remember that having someone at the end of the day to come home to is one thing I really want. And if I’ve found him now, why wait? And what do I care if people think I’m weird…they think that already.

Sun Glasses

When I wear sunglasses I feel like noone can recognize me. I’m not sure why. I think it might have something to do with a tinted lens being put between me and reality or that people in movies often wear sunglasses as part of a disguise. The other day a friend waved at me and I thought “she must be waving at someone else”…because I was wearing sunglasses. I didn’t wave back. I’m pretty sure she thinks I snubbed her but by the time I realized that she actually did recognize me and that my sunglasses only make me see the world differently and don’t make people see me differently, it was too late. I often wish that there actually were glasses or a hat or something that you could put on when you are having a bad day. This way you can just be unrecognizable. You can walk to class, go to the IGA, sit in a park and not have anyone to say hello to or to feel that you have to chat. I mean, don’t we all have days like that? Days when we are either feeling so gross that we don’t want to talk or when we look so gross (bad hair, a shirt you noticed was dirty after you left the house etc) that you would rather just blend in. I can’t drive with sunglasses on. It makes me feel like I’m in a movie, or a video game. I’d rather squint b/c I feel too removed from reality to actually concentrate. Maybe I just shouldn’t wear sunglasses. That way I won’t snub my friends or crash into a tree. I like mine though, they’re quite stylish and they stop me from squinting and getting wrinkles…and with my 22nd birthday fast approaching, I’m wondering if that is something I should soon actually start to worry about. So I think I’ll keep the sunglasses…but if I ignore you, if I don’t say hello, just remember that I don’ think that you can recognize me… I guess I’m just weird that way.